Insane

Insane. That's a word I often use to describe my life. I think it's a good word because it's not a constant positive or negative term. Just a word used to describe something deep, something challenging, something awesome, or something that suggests it will take hard work to accomplish.

Today I am sitting on my back porch, praising God in my head for the slight breeze that's making our humid weather much more tolerable. My head is trying to calculate multiple scenarios for my life, but my heart keeps telling my head to be still. I can hear the Holy Spirit continuously telling me to just be still and let God! "I'm trying, I'm trying" I keep telling myself. But I have no answers. I just want some simple answers and then I can go about my day. But they're not coming. They're not coming. Nothing. I have the most random thoughts, but no way to bridge those thoughts with the ability to do them.

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 

Philippians 2:4

All I know is I want to do something big for God. Something huge! Something worth repeating, something worth remembering, something worth talking about, something worth trying to top! But why? Why has the opportunity to do something so big for God been on my heart for so many years? Since I was 9. Is it truly for God, or is it for my name's sake? I'd like to think that it really is because I have this insane desire to tell this insane world of a God whose love for them is insane! I love people. God gave me a heart for people. I would like nothing more than to love them to Christ. Isn't that what we're called to do? I want people to understand Who God is, and accept Christ as their Lord and Savior. I truly do.

 And He personally bore our sins in His own body on the cross, so that we might be dead to sin and be alive to all that is good.  
1 Peter 2:24a

I have been in the spotlight enough times to know that I would much rather give God the glory of His works fulfilled than toot my own horn. I love to share awesome things God has done for my family and I, because I believe it shows people how gracious and how faithful He is. But is that the only reason I like to share? Am I sure there's not something else I hope to gain from sharing? Like status? Recognition? Approval? I would like to say absolutely not, but I know that's not true. I do pray, however, that I would be able to get to a place in my walk with God where I never even consider me. Not even for a moment. Where I can speak, write, lead, tell, and encourage others by telling them what God has done, and plans to do. It's not about me, and it never has been.

  And those who belong to Christ Jesus have put to death their human nature, with all its passions   and desires. 
Galatians 5:24

I know with everything in me that I have been called to serve and love God by serving and loving others. In Mark 12 when Jesus was asked which one of His commandments was the most important, He replied "The most important one is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." I plan to serve and love people to Christ for the rest of my life. If God sees fit to allow me some unbelievable opportunities to do so, I will be forever grateful. I will serve Him with gladness and seek first His kingdom in all of it.

 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you…” 

       John 15:12

I'm praying right now that He will continue to use me. I am ready. I am willing. I will go. Lead me Lord, I will follow. I surrender ALL.   <3

  Then He said to them all: "If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it."

Luke 9:23-24

    

I Only Went for An Oil Change...

This blog is an old one I wrote about two years ago. The boys started back to school this week, as many of your children did, so I found it only fitting for me to post it today. Pray it blesses you my friends.

For the past several weeks, I have been constantly worrying about what our boys go through when they are at school. Jake is reserved, a people-pleaser, quiet, and a very sweet boy that listens most of the time. Wesley is very loud, giving, always on the go, sweet, constantly into something, and playful. As a society, we tend to have a hard time with loud and playful, so this makes me worry more about Wesley. I have been convincing myself lately that no one can handle him, no one wants to handle him, and I am the only person who loves him enough to be patient with him as he works through his struggles. I know this isn’t true, but the devil sure has me believing it quite often. However, I have found that when I start believing this, God sends me a blessing in the strangest of situations…

This wonderful Saturday Ben and I got to spend several hours shopping for our boys’ Christmas presents. Before we could really get started, our van began to make an awful shaking sound. Ben decided to take the van to a local lube shop, and they thought it best to drain or change the transmission oil pan (if this doesn’t make sense to you, I’m sorry because I don’t know any other way to explain it). As we waited for the man to fix our van, we sat in the little sitting area within the shop. About ten minutes into our wait, an older gentleman walked through the doors. None of us said much at first, but soon began random conversation. Little did I know, this conversation would bless my heart…

The man started the conversation by joking about the way the lube place would try to convince you to buy parts you really didn’t need. He then told the story of a time they tried to make him by windshield wiper blades when his were like new. We laughed because moments before, the guy was already trying to make us spend more money. That story soon branched off into a story of a local auto parts store owner in the town where he lives. He told us of what a wonderful man the store owner was, and went on to tell of a contest the owner’s daughter won for a story she wrote about her father. The father ended up winning tickets to an Illinois college basketball game and presented him with an award at the halftime show. This story led to us finding out that our new friend was a former teacher.

As the man talked about his teaching years, he talked about how he was in the top of his class in high school, but didn’t want to go to college right off. He ended up beginning college at the age of 31. He retired from the construction business as he finished his schooling, and then began his teaching career. After teaching for ten years he retired, but never lost his love for children. He told us that he currently serves as a substitute teacher for his home district. As he talked about the students, a smile came over his face. He then said that most people disagree with him, but he loves working with special needs children….especially those who have been diagnosed with Autism. At that moment I could see the truth in his eyes. I could see his heart. Chills ran up and down my spine as I was suddenly reminded that there are still good people in this world. Within that ten minute conversation I had thoughts of him helping children like Jake and Wesley, overlooking all the fits, the tears, the frustration, the anger…simply wanting to make life a little easier for each child, if only for a short while. He just wanted to help those children.

Although Ben and I never looked at each other, I could feel our eyes burning into each other. We had both been blessed by this man. Normally, as most of you know, I would have jumped right into the conversation and told details of the boys’ diagnostic visits, therapy sessions, and friends we’ve made along the way…but I didn’t. Something told me not to. God was telling me to just receive this blessing, and listen to this man’s heart. He was showing me that there is no need to be afraid for our boys…because God is in control…and He has people like this man out there to take care of them…

The mechanic came into the waiting area, we said our goodbyes, and Ben went to the counter to pay. I started to follow him but the older man initiated conversation with me one more time as he asked if I had gotten out of school multiple days for Thanksgiving break. I explained to him I had, we finished our conversation, and Ben and I headed to the van. Something inside me kept saying “tell him, tell him”. As Ben held the door for me, I quickly turned back and faced the older man. “I just wanted to tell you” I began, “both of our boys have Autism, so I want to thank you for having a heart to help them.” It was as if it were all a scene in a movie…he frowned for a moment, and then came a look of understanding, then a small smile. “Thank you” he said. Within moments I smiled and nodded my head, turned around, and we drove out of the shop.

We may never see that man again, although we hope we do! But it is forever burned in my heart the promise that God takes care of His people. He takes care of His children. So if you ever doubt Him…if you ever doubt the goodness of His people…I pray that this story will remind you of God’s faithfulness. Thank you Mr. Tom Walker.

May God bless you and your family today, and may He use you to bless others.

Kitchen Whispers

Early this morning I woke up having a dream about my family. That's not unusual for me, but this one was REAL. You know those kind of dreams. It made me terribly home sick, but I have been able to think about my family all day...and that makes me smile. It especially made me smile when I began to think about kitchen whispers...

Growing up one of my favorite things was going to visit my grandparents. And my aunts, uncles, cousins, their friends, etc. I loved people. I loved to people watch. People listen. Most of my life we lived about 5 hours from my Mimi and Papaw's house, so a visit to see them always meant at least one sleepover! I had a designated spot where I got to sleep, and everyone knew it. Mimi would always make a pallet for me between her side of the bed and their beautiful dresser. I didn't mind waking up to the sound of my Papaw carefully trying to open his drawer to get a pair of socks. I knew that meant he was leaving to go to the oil fields. Or to the sound of him snoring...which he always swore he didn't do. And I loved to hear my Mimi turn on the closet light as she picked out her clothes each morning. I became more and more scrunched in the spot as I got older, but no one was taking that spot from me until I got married.

I remember falling asleep to the sound of Moma and Mimi talking in the kitchen. The start of the kitchen whispers. They talked about animals, flowers, family, hopes, dreams, and wonders. They talked about friends that had passed away, people they ran into at the local United Supermarket, and which roping Papaw was going to the following weekend. Those whispers helped me fall asleep, but similar ones woke me up each morning. When Papaw would leave to check on his oil wells, I would fall right back to sleep because it was so early. Then about 8 or 9 I would wake to the sound of crackling bacon, the smell of coffee, and the sound of kitchen whispers. I would hear my dad's deep voice asking Papaw about a friend of his, hear my Papaw tell my dad the last time he saw him at the domino hall, and then hear my mom and Mimi laugh about something going on in the background. You could tell when one kid at a time would enter the kitchen because the whispers would turn into a unison cry of a good morning greeting. I liked to be one of the first ones up, but sometimes I would stay in bed just to keep listening to the whispers.

When I was younger more and more family stayed at Mimi and Papaw's house. All of us crammed together in the bedrooms, the living room, and the lower level of the living room where the garage once stood. As I got older though, fewer and fewer whispers filled the kitchen. People got married, people moved, and it became harder and harder to get everyone together. When I was in high school, I still slept at the side of Mimi and Papaw's bed. Soon my little cousin MaKayla slept at the foot of their bed, and then in my spot when I wasn't there. I knew I was getting older, so I was glad she wanted to sleep there. Glad it was special to her, too. But it still made me sad that I would have to leave my spot soon. I got married and my special spot became MaKayla's entirely. I missed hitting my head on the lamp above me, and I missed the sounds of that room. But I still got to hear the kitchen whispers in the other rooms.

Those kitchen whispers soon included new voices, but as long as I heard the older voices my heart was content. In December of 2009 those kitchen whispers became unsettling. They were sad and questioning and worried and angry. Then in February they became a little more cheery, but still not the ones I remembered growing up. Later that month those whispers were different. There was a whisper I sure missed. There was no talk of team ropings, no talk of oil wells. I miss those whispers. If I close my eyes I can still hear the sound of bacon crackling. I can still smell the coffee. I can even still hear those kitchen whispers.

At my Granmama and Papa's house there were different kitchen whispers. My Granmama spoke in such a soft voice no one could ever hear her (sound familiar?)...but when she spoke it was either sweet or funny, so it was always worth the strain of trying to hear. I remember hearing my Papa talk about festivals they were having in town, grandkids, meat, and musical instruments. I also can still hear him slurping his coffee. We only lived about an hour from their house, so those kitchen whispers usually happened around lunch time on Sunday afternoons. In 2000 my Papa went home to Jesus, then we moved to another part of Texas...and that's where those kitchen whispers seem to stop.

Today I have new kitchen whispers that I wake up to every morning. It's the sound of my boys playing Legos, wondering if they should go wake Ben and I up to get them something to eat. It's Jake whispering loudly from the bathroom for Wesley to bring him some clothes, and Wesley trying his best to softly give Jake a dialogue to follow while playing with their toys. Some mornings the kitchen whispers include Ben coming in from work, talking on his phone. Or him telling the boys good morning as they excitedly run to where he is. Some of my favorite whispers are the boys laughing as they tackle Ben on the couch or try to convince him to jump on the trampoline at 8 in the morning. I know one day all of these kitchen whispers will be gone just like the ones before them. So I want to thank my Father God for giving me these memories. I pray that as you start each day my friends, you will stop and listen to the kitchen whispers.

Determined to Rest in the Peace of God

For those who know me best, it probably comes as no surprise that I have to start off my blog journey by warning you of possible misspelled words, an excessive use of commas, and exaggerated punctuation marks. You should also know that occasional opinions, political ideologies, and deep personal experiences are bound to pop up at times. Although I tell you these things to serve as a disclaimer of sorts, the desire of my heart is that this blog is real. It's real. It's me. It's a place for my thoughts or it's information God has presented to me in my life in such a way that sharing it with you is what I feel led to do. 

I started this blog to connect with people, and lead them to Christ. I want to bring help and hope and encouragement and love to people who feel alone in their struggles...people who feel tired...defeated even. You are not alone. And there is victory in Jesus. I just want to be a REAL woman, a REAL wife, a REAL mom, a REAL Christian who fell in love with a REAL God, and has a REAL desire to serve Him, and rest in the peace that only He can bring. 

This is me. This is my heart. Now it's time for us to get REAL about what God has called us to do in this life. It's time to admit that we are tired, and become determined to rest in the peace of God. Won't you join me on this journey?

Here we go friends...

<3 Summer